Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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