Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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