my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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