I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
