I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
