Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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