i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
