Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
