we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You made out with two different species that night
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize