Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
