I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
