We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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