The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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