my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize