I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Randomize
