I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
