is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Randomize
