for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
you inspire me to be a worse person
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
