He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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