I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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