Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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