I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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