I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
