a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
