How'd it feel making her break her religion?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
