Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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