TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
