dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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