i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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