There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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