Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
