I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
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