I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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