I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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