i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize