He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
