captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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