the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
