I wish I could teleport
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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