i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The struggles of a small town man whore
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
