Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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