yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
