Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
you had me at cake vodka
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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