I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
be right there i have to get my cape
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
