I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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