Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
