the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
