Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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