Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
