You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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