i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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