$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
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