Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Randomize
