You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
