you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
