Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
