I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
