I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
