3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
